It’s 5:30am Wednesday 9th December, I woke up very sad because I had a dream.
In my dream I was going through old archives of videos on my phone and came upon old videos of my former manager and former president Rawlings. It looked like a video shoot for a Christmas show and those two men bubbly worked with so much energy I couldn’t help but capture it. It was all fun and smiles and as I continued to watch, I saw myself telling my manager the sad news about Rawlings death and all he said was ‘oh’.
Even though in reality the aforementioned died before the latter but in my dream it was the opposite. I saw the sadness that overwhelmed him at once and it was a familiar face to when his colleague died.
I have always been scared of uncertainties of the future but today for the first time I feared something far worse. The past, the finality of it, the fact that i can never change what actions, words etc that ever took place. It’s like frozen memories repeating itself but aloof as fuck.
You could dare to imagine but it doesnt change a thing. It is gone. You will never have it again. It gave me chills. There is the wish to go back in time and if that wish is possible I know I would have spent time with the people who mattered to me. I would have done things differently but come to think of it, if i were to be given the chance to go back in time I wouldn’t know the things I know now and would still have naively made the same choices i made. It makes me appreciate the present more. The willpower to live more, do more, love more because any second from now will be my past.
The words we say, the actions we take now, will be frozen in time in the next second. It makes the future seem like a happy place knowing what I know now and how much I want to influence what happens to me and around me next.
I wish what I am feeling at this exact moment I am writing this doesn’t fade. The desire to try harder, spend time and pay attention to the things and those I love, carve a past that when I remember I will smile cos I did the most.
As my head clears from sleep I know I am leaving one thing behind. Fear either of the past, present or future. Now when I think of the future, I will think of possibilities not uncertainties, I can’t change the past but from this moment, my actions and words count and I will live my present to the fullest with the opportunities I have been given no matter how little.
Written by Ellen Gyapong